The internet is just a barrage of people complaining about things they dislike.
With that being said, here is a list of things that annoy the shit out of me.
1. When people take photographs of their drink order in Starbucks. We get it, you like caffeine. You probably need it to maintain enough energy to post round-the-clock photographs on your Facebook wall of you doing menial things in your mundane life.
2. When old people make small talk to you while you’re walking your dog. “Aww, she’s cute, isn’t she?” No, she’s fucking ugly. I went to the dogs home and picked the ugliest fucking dog there, because I’m a sadist who’d take great joy in waking up each morning to a dog with a face like a swollen labia. Of course she’s fucking cute, now keep walking.
3. ‘Emma Went From Being In A Relationship To Single’; ‘Richard Likes This’. If you can’t keep control of your penis long enough for a girl to have gotten over the downfall of her last relationship then you should be publicly castrated. It’s what’s best for everyone.
4. People who use the word ‘party’ as a verb.
5. People who use the word ‘sick’ as an adjective.
6. People who ironically use the word ‘sick’ as an adjective, usually throwing up a gang sign and laughing at themselves afterwards.
7. When you hold the door open for someone and they walk straight past without acknowledging you. I took a small portion of time out of my day to become your butler for 15 seconds and I don’t even get an ENCOURAGING WINK?
8. When girls take photographs of themselves in bathrooms. Unless you’re a heroin addict and your home is a toilet cubicle, there’s no reason why club toilets should be considered a prime candidate for a good photo opportunity – the sight of a tampon machine severely devalues the appeal of your Facebook profile photo.
9. “Rooting for”, “thinking of” and “praying for” someone doesn’t actually do anything. It’s just your roundabout way of trying to present yourself as a selfless individual when in actuality you’re still doing fuck all to help anyone.
10. Women who strongly oppose sexism but then expect the guy to pay for their meal.
11. The word ‘Amazeballs’ and anyone who ever uses it, even ironically. In fact, ESPECIALLY people who use it ironically.
12. Non-smokers who find it necessary to obnoxiously inform smokers that smoking damages their health. If you ever find yourself confronted by one of these self-righteous pricks then feel free to blow your second-hand smoke directly into their nasal cavity; if you’re dying quicker then you might aswell take these dickheads with you, too.
13. People who say “I haven’t got a problem with gays as long as they don’t touch me”, as if just because a person is a homosexual it means that they automatically want to sodomise them.
14. “xoxoxoxoxoxoxo” is not something that any human being should ever conclude a conversation with.
15. The opinion that undermining the validity of any religion automatically makes you a racist; an individual’s religion is a completely separate entity from their race, so if I have the opinion that there is no way one bloke could fit all those animals onto a single boat and that praying a lot won’t result in you being rewarded with a bunch of virgins to have your way with in the afterlife, just know that I am insulting your ridiculous beliefs and NOT the colour of your skin.
16. The fact that women’s changing rooms in clothes shops are always situated directly in the middle of the underwear section, so whilst I’m waiting outside for my girlfriend to try on sixteen dresses that she doesn’t have any intention of buying I’m forced to avoid awkward eye contact with women trying to buy thongs.
17. Lads who spit in public. What’s the problem with keeping your saliva in your mouth like the rest of us?
18. People who prefer cats to dogs.
19. People who say “I have no sympathy for you, it’s self-inflicted!” when I’m hungover and then complain when I attempt to strangle them to death.
20. Avocados.
21. Auto-correct. Calling someone a “forklift country” just doesn’t have the same effect.
22. When people do that weird shoulder-bump handshake with me as if they haven’t noticed that I am white.
23. Parents who tell their children that they can be anything if they put their minds to it, without following it with “but you’ll probably have to take your top off on some reality TV show first”.
24. When people say “it’s nice/bad weather we’re having today, isn’t it?” as if I’m not standing outside.
25. Primark.
Follow: @PaulTamburro
