The purpose of this column/series is to emulate how a meeting would go between a studio executive and a person, a passionate person, with an idea (pitch) for a movie. In this case, or every case for that matter with regards to this series, yours truly is that aforementioned passionate person.
Now that was the polite way of putting it.
In reality, the uninspired suited gatekeepers, who hold all the green light power, need a blunt kick to their out-of-touch bloody skulls! Yeah, they say you get more with honey (being nice). And in order for some these over-paid clowns to buy into a cinematic concept, and then move forward with funding the production, being nice can be the ideal approach. But since the world, specifically the realm of Hollywood, is already fake enough with people constantly masquerading with tactical kindness, let’s just cut the crap and, ironically, have a black-and-white old-school chat.
It’s not that Hollywood fucks it up all the time, but they sure do miss golden opportunities that can be quite baffling to the fans.
And that brings me to this week’s pitch/bitch: The Ultimate Mockbuster.
HUDDLE UP
Hollywood, meet the international film sector (a.k.a. the territories that constantly save your asses when a shanty blockbuster bombs on the home front).
Today, we have representatives ranging from the Bollywood Empire in India, to the censorship dictators in China, all joining us to get a jump on the latest cinematic fad. Think of this meeting akin to the gathering of a bunch of little kids, as we prep them to embark on a scavenger hunt of sorts. Before we engage in that aspect though, all y’all (pardon my twang) in attendance will listen to my brain gems regarding the next profitable wave to capitalize on. Once both prizes so to speak are rapidly articulated, similar to a 13 year-old explaining his first experience in a strip club, then you shall all engage in an arms race to see who can rub out the best possible flick.
SHARK-EAT-SHARK
For the last few weeks, we’ve been living in a Sharknado world. The Syfy phenom caught on somehow and seems to be following in the career footsteps of “so crap it’s awesome” products such as The Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Room, and Troll 2 (cue struggling filmmakers jumping off their dumpy apartment buildings). It is what it is; but for this generation blessed with an overload of social networking avenues, a Sharknado can eclipse the levels of those aforementioned cult classics set years ago… and make piles of cash.
IMITATE REVENGE
First off, Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Spain, Japan, Korea, and even France… listen up! For years, these American kleptomaniacs have been drifting off your creative speed. Basically, you guys craft and execute a riveting movie (i.e. Let the Right One In, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, [REC], Old Boy, The Ring, etc.) and these hapless bastards think they can do it better, buy the rights, and remake the son-of-a-bitch. Save for The Ring, they continuously failed just like our present economy. But here’s your chance to stick-it back to them. Hard!
Someone remake Sharknado. Just do it. Springboard off this asstastic piece of abstract art’s momentum and shove it right in their arrogant and ignorant plastic faces. You don’t even have to make it obnoxious and over-the-top campy (although I still believe Tara Reid was really trying to act seriously). Style it in the same vein as Finland’s Rare Exports or Norway’s 2010 Trollhunter. Pour your respective currencies into the production budget and outdo the laziness that resides on the other side of the oceans. Your film realms have caught up to what used to be the standard in innovative filmmaking, correct? I’m guessing legalities have put the kibosh on past attempts to adapted subpar American features. But since the powers-that-USED-to-be in La-La land rely on your territories as a saving grace at the box office for their uninspired heavily laced-CGI bloated productions, use that leverage the next time they want to place coked-out lawyers in front of your Sharknado adapting desires.
MOCK THE AMERICAN FANTASY
For those not wanting to go the Sharknado route, the vindictive alternative choice is to beat the predictable Americans to the proverbial punch. You know damn well a studio or six will try to capitalize on this random craze. Hell, they kind of started with summer 2013’s This Is the End. Let’s face it though, that was just a random coincidence in which their savvy PR people will spin in it as if they were “ahead of the curve.”
Having said all that, rock out this madness:
On a Fall Sunday, 16 meteorites crash into the middle of NFL stadiums while games are in progress. Both teams and their coaches get infected and transform into mutant creatures, which alters their physical attributes making them bigger and uglier (ex. helmets will morph into their skulls). They immediately start ripping apart fans and buildings – but instinctively still huddle up and run “plays” prior to completing each destructive massacre. Just picture a QB tossing objects (cars, dogs, people, etc.) with picture-perfect form and beheading retreating humans. Envision kamikaze DB’s (defensive backs), who are known to nail wide-receivers as they go up to catch a ball, launching their bodies in a missile position at human beings, and upon impact, seeing them burst into a bloody firework. This shit will sell all over my foreign friends!
Moving along, army intelligence frantically tries to mount an offensive yet while doing so, realize that the 32 ravenous teams are all trying to reach a spot where the 17th meteorite hit… in Canada. As the teams encroach toward the goal, they become competitive with each other and mass chaos ensues on the North American playing field, where even the Canadian Football league is called-in to debunk the pro-monsters now unorthodox on-field strategy. Meanwhile, there is an underground syndicate where soulless human junkies are placing bets Las Vegas-style on which alien-possessed team will win out.
The Title: Death Bowl X
The Key InGREEDient: Hire known American actors/athletes.
The Price: Yours truly gets 10% of the worldwide gross.
You’re welcome, once again!
(Actually, the context of this entire article could be a movie/documentary pitch in itself, ha).
Joe Belcastro is a contributor to CraveOnline and the writer of the weekly series The Pitch. Follow him on Twitter @TheWritingDemon.
