The purpose of this column/series is to emulate how a meeting would go between a studio executive and a person, a passionate person, with an idea (pitch) for a movie. In this case, or every case for that matter with regards to this series, yours truly is that aforementioned passionate person.
Now that was the polite way of putting it.
In reality, the uninspired suited gatekeepers, who hold all the green light power, need a blunt kick to their out-of-touch bloody skulls! Yeah, they say you get more with honey (being nice). And in order for some these over-paid clowns to buy into a cinematic concept, and then move forward with funding the production, being nice can be the ideal approach. But since the world, specifically the realm of Hollywood, is already fake enough with people constantly masquerading with tactical kindness, let’s just cut the crap and, ironically, have a black-and-white old-school chat.
It’s not that Hollywood fucks it up all the time, but they sure do miss golden opportunities that can be quite baffling to the fans.
And that brings me to this week’s pitch/bitch: The Vince McMahon Biopic
IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS
Before we begin, this promo (article) will be littered with a bunch of pro-wrestling jargon. If you can’t keep up or just think it’s bloody silly, feel to join a special club…The “Kiss My Ass” club (Term #1).
Ya know what stooges? There is a formula you pompous fools consistently do well in this industry.
Biopics are timeless and usually find their way onto “Best Of” lists for that respective year. Recently, movies such as The Social Network, Moneyball, and most recently Jobs have captured the attention of today’s moviegoer, thanks to the in-the-spotlight moguls’ worldwide interest, stemming from their monumental business achievements.
That was my way of putting you guys “over.”
So now it’s time to do another, about an individual that would be on this Mount Rushmore of entrepreneurs/promoters…
Vincent Kennedy McMahon.
YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME?
Some may refer to him as Mr. McMahon, The Chairman of the Board, the guy who started the failed XFL, Donald Trump’s only friend, or simply Vince. Hell, perhaps a lot of you never heard of the man that took over professional wrestling and then transformed it into a global phenomenon now labeled as sports entertainment. In reality – something which many these days question whether the 67 year-old juggernaut lives in – he is the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment.
In an age where wrestling matches were nothing more that glorified side-show carnie attractions operated by a slew of promoters, McMahon had a vision. And through innovation, and ruthless aggression, he fought everyone from the wrestling purists to arch-rival and well-equipped Ted Turner, and even the Federal Government, to achieve what his beady eyes saw.
The passionate and repeatedly accused law-bending maverick of sorts now runs one of the most unique companies ever assembled. A company he still, for a lack of a better term (and to be polite since he’s one of the most jacked senior citizen of all-time), micro-manages across the board, to ensure his efforts will not be undone long after his final bell tolls.
ENTER THE UNIVERSE
So knowing what makes you jobbers tic, here’s what I’ll call the 3-count stats to a box office championship:
-Over 11 million viewers per week watching WWE programming
-3.2 million Twitter followers and counting
-A leader in moving DVD/On-Demand products
-Infinite amounts of nostalgia
The fan base is loyal and that includes the ones who are no longer considered die-hards. A wrestling fan’s memory is long, and Vince McMahon – who works both in and out of the ring – has been the constant and will undisputedly be the draw uniting global fans at the theaters.
2 OUT OF 3 FALLS
In order for this to be critically and financially successful, two of the three angles must be injected.
1st Fall
The only time WWE was vulnerable is when the Ted Turner-backed WCW promotion was waging a war against McMahon’s steady Monday Night Raw television program. Turner’s foreign object of choice (term for weapon in rasslin’) was money, money, money, money, money (shout out: Million Dollar Man).
Money is what you need to showcase the grandeur of this weekly spectacle, but it also has to be Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan managed properly. Billionaire Ted didn’t grasp the latter half of that statement and it ultimately led to WCW’s demise; with the finishing move of Vince buying the company and becoming the legit King of the Ring.
2nd Fall
Do you go with The Late Shift approach of casting actors, or do you consider the Howard Stern Private Parts execution where Vince plays himself? The first option is ideal but I wouldn’t rule out a late run-in of the latter concept (mainly because Vince’s approval and demands will either be met or this will never happen). While it would be entertaining as a Diva’s lingerie match, and keep wrestling fans’ attention like the possibility of a nip-slip in said match, it might not be the reveal we all want for this sucker.
Let’s just say I wouldn’t toss it out of the creative department just yet. Either way though, the arc of this should run from 1984 – 2004, and maybe close it out with present footage showcasing the real-life activities of the cyborg-like mogul.
3rd Fall
Who is going to portray Vince McMahon is obviously the key angle here. First off, trying to get the wizard to pull back the curtain will be a chore in itself. However, let’s assume his closest yes-men (employees) reveal enough info for an actor to package the larger-than-life persona. Then from there, all you need is a few doses of steroids, a pile of cocaine, and then the screen testing can begin.
In the efforts to keep this with just one actor playing Vince, here’s a short list of workers that could don the modern-day Hollywood makeup techniques and sell this:
Tom Hanks would be a solid for this, but let’s face it; it’s the same as keeping the title on a Hulk Hogan or John Cena because it works. And that thinking is how the sports entertainment product lands in the stale era.
Liam Neeson was rumored for the role in another wrestler’s biopic (Chris Benoit – doesn’t deserve it morons, so get this idea the fuck out!). He could handle the backstage sequences but would royally fail when the character has to rock the in-ring persona.
Harrison Ford has the look going for him (young & old) and it would pure fun to see him take this on. Plus, he’s the only one who could take a bump (physical acts in the ring) out of the previous two mentioned above. Plus seeing the always active heel message boards slamming this choice would be amusing build up over the next year or so.
Now as I see you jabroni’s rumbling with ideas, allow me to politic our chosen champion: Mark Strong.
The recently stereotyped baddie has the cache to pull every aspect of the Vince enigma off. He’s the Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels/Kurt Angle of performers (a.k.a. guys that could do everything).
Sign him today, and watch the mania as pushes this spot to box office gold.
Hopefully you smell what I’m cooking and realize it’s time to play this game. So let’s raise a beer and for the benefit of those with flash photography, snap a pic of all of us saying OH YEAAAAHHHH!
Joe Belcastro is a contributor to CraveOnline and the writer of the weekly series The Pitch. Follow him on Twitter @TheWritingDemon.
