Since the day villains first realized they could twirl their own moustaches, kidnapping has been a major plot point in a lot of motion pictures. There’s something fundamentally unsettling about being held against your will, particularly by a stranger with an unknown agenda, that’s nerve-racking to even consider, and something extra terrifying about the idea that it could happen to someone you love. But then, at some point, Hollywood made movie kidnappers fundamentally ridiculous.
Kidnapping, although sometimes still taken deadly seriously, became a go-to plot point for screenwriters who simply needed their heroes to do outrageous things without losing audience sympathy. In this weekend’s new release Getaway, Ethan Hawke speeds his way down the streets of Bulgaria, causing millions of dollars in property damage and kills god knows how many police officers who crash their cars in hot pursuit, all in service of a nefarious criminal scheme. But that’s okay! He’s doing it because his wife was kidnapped by a madman. That makes him a hero.
Unusually demanding movie kidnappers (that is to say, movie kidnappers with highly unusual demands) have been a plot point in ridiculous thrillers for many years. Some have used the trope as an excuse for enjoyable high-octane entertainment, others merely as a crutch for their dumb storylines. A few films have even used unusually demanding movie kidnappers for legitimately dramatic reasons. Our list includes them too.
Check out 12 Unusually Demanding Movie Kidnappers, courtesy of CraveOnline. If the movie begins with “We have [insert kidnapped person here], now… [do something ridiculous],” it qualifies!
William Bibbiani is the editor of CraveOnline’s Film Channel and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. Follow him on Twitter at @WilliamBibbiani.
12 Unusually Demanding Movie Kidnappers
Some abductors don't want money... they just want you do really weird chores.
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The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
"We've got your wife, now... make an undead girlfriend for the Frankenstein monster!"
Dr. Frankenstein learned a valuable lesson about the dangers of playing God at the end of James Whale's first Frankenstein movie, so getting him back in the laboratory for the celebrated sequel required the Frankenstein monster and the supervillain Dr. Pretorius to kidnap the mad scientist's wife. But all they really did was prove the age-old saying: you can raise a woman from the dead, but you can't make her love Boris Karloff.
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Pulgasari (1985)
"We've got South Korean filmmaker Shin Sang-ok, now... direct a kaiju movie for Kim Jong-il!"
That's not the plot of Pulgasari, a North Korean giant monster movie in the vein of Godzilla, that's what really happened. In 1978, future dictator Kim Jong-il had Prince Yeongsan director Shin Sang-ok and his ex-wife abducted and forced them to make propaganda films like Pulgasari.
They escaped in 1986 and Shin Sang-ok moved to America, where he later directed Three Ninjas Knuckle Up under the pseudonym "Simon Sheen."
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Misery (1990)
"We've got best-selling novelist Paul Sheldon, now... write my fan fiction!"
One of the most acclaimed Stephen King adaptations stars James Caan as a novelist who falls prey to his "Number One Fan," Annie Wilkes, played by Oscar-winner Kathy Bates. When Annie discovers Paul has killed off her favorite character, she turns to horrifying violence to keep him bed-ridden long enough to retcon the offending plot point.
This is probably what Stephen King worries about whenever someone asks for his autograph.
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Nick of Time (1995)
"We've got your daughter, now... assassinate the governor... in 90 minutes!"
In John Badham's nifty potboiler, Christopher Walken kidnaps Johnny Depp's daughter and forces the future pirate of the Caribbean to assassinate an idealistic governor (Marsha Mason). The events transpire in real-time, so every minute of the movie equals one minute for all the characters on-screen.
Nick of Time is almost fast-paced enough to get over how ridiculous its crazy conspiracy plot really is. Almost.
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House Arrest (1996)
"We've got our parents, now... don't get divorced!"
This late-era Home Alone knock-off has a pretty impressive cast - including Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Pollack and Jennifer Tilly - but they're in service of a weirdly contrived plot about kids who lock all their parents in a basement until they resolve their various marital disputes.
Somehow, House Arrest doesn't end with the pint-sized kidnappers getting one-way tickets to juvenile hall. Kids rule... even when they're dangerous felons!
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Cecil B. Demented (2000)
"We've got A-list Hollywood actress Honey Whitlock, now... star in our independent film!"
John Waters' (mostly) lighthearted comedy finds the title director, played by Stephen Dorff, kidnapping a celebrity played by Melanie Griffith in order to force her to act in his independent masterpiece, which consists of filming Honey Whitlock performing real-life acts of artistic terrorism.
As Honey Whitlock begins to convert to Cecil's cause, the cameo appearance by Patty Hearst starts feeling increasingly appropriate, albeit ridiculously on-the-nose.
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Don't Say a Word (2001)
"We've got your daughter, now... psychoanalyze this autistic teenager... in one night!"
Michael Douglas was at the tail end of his "upper-class Hitchcockian thriller" phase (A Perfect Murder, The Game) when he starred in Don't Say a Word, co-starring the late Brittany Murphy as a traumatized teen with a memorized six-digit number that Sean Bean needs to retrieve a stolen diamond.
It's a really stupid plot, by the way, but Brittany Murphy's oddly sexualized delivery of "I'll never tell..." finally made her a household name in 2001.
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Red Eye (2005)
"We've got the acting manager of a posh hotel, now... switch out someone's hotel room!"
Wes Craven's straight-up thriller stars Rachel McAdams as a hotel manager who's kidnapped in the middle of a late-night flight by Cillian Murphy, who plays a villain named... we're not making this up... "Jackson Rippner."
Rippner demands that the heroine switch out the Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security's hotel room to make an assassination attempt easier, because hacking into a hotel computer is nearly impossible, we guess.
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The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada (2005)
"We've got the murderer of an illegal immigrant, now... cross the border and bury the victim's body!"
Tommy Lee Jones directed and starred in this loose take-off from William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying, about a rancher (Jones) who kidnaps a border patrolman (Barry Pepper) who killed an illegal immigrant who worked at Jones's farm. He forces Pepper to drag the body back to Mexico for a proper burial, valuable lessons are learned along the way, and Jones proves that he's a sensitive dramatic filmmaker.
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Black Snake Moan (2006)
"We've got an oversexed young woman, now... stop having sex!"
Craig Brewer's bizarre follow-up to the acclaimed hip-hop drama Hustle & Flow stars Samuel L. Jackson as a blues musician who kidnaps a nymphomaniac he finds beaten by the side of the road and then tries to cure her sinful ways.
Christina Ricci spends most of the film half-naked and in chains, but Black Snake Moan still manages to avoid succumbing to grindhouse sleaze. In a weird way, it's actually kind of sweet.
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12 Rounds (2009)
"We've got your wife, now... rip off Die Hard with a Vengeance!"
Die Hard 2 director Renny Harlin directed this blatant knock-off of Die Hard with a Vengeance, starring WWE's John Cena as a beat cop who runs afoul of a criminal mastermind ("Game of Thrones" star Aiden Gillen) who forces him into crazy situations like hijacking fire trucks and diffusing bombs.
And yes, like in Die Hard with a Vengeance, the game is just a smokescreen for the villain's big heist. It's not as bad as it sounds, but 12 Rounds doesn't have an original bone in its body.
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The Saw Franchise (2004-2010)
"We've got you, now... achieve enlightenment by surviving these death traps!"
The ultraviolent, overly complicated and extremely entertaining Saw movies star a serial killer named "Jigsaw" (Tobin Bell) who puts his victims in elaborate death traps that force them to decide what really matters to them. Would you rather dip your hand in acid or die? Would you rather saw off your own foot or lose your family?
Come for the kills, stay for the twisty-turny story and the completely unbelievable philosophizing. You are not making a valid point, Jigsaw. You are just being a psychotic, albeit brilliant, asshole.
