This one will be a deep, deep cut.
Steven Spielberg’s 1982 classic E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is not just a celebrated and adored film, but the overall critical and cultural consensus is unanimously ecstatic. Roger Ebert added it to his famous list of Great Movies, but more than that, E.T. has entered one of the highest tiers of sentimental favorites: So many children have seen it, the film has become a sort of natural and integral part of the American childhood experience. That’s certainly true of my generation. When you learn that E.T. has a 98% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, your first reaction will likely be one of “so who was the one asshole who didn’t like it?” To answer your question, that asshole is none other than the Village Voice’s Don McKellar. And before you trek over to the Village Voice website to spew bile all over him, know that his article is well-written, salient… and 12 years old.
And, looking over that article, McKellar dares to say something that I think has been tickling the bases of our spines for many years. Through all the sentimentality, the nostalgia, the critical lionization of a goofy-ass alien flick from the ’80s, we hear the essential truth about the movie striving to break free. We hear it saying that the film itself – the eye of this memorial storm – is not that great. Indeed, let Trolling just say it plainly: E.T. SUCKS! Let’s run down several reasons why we know this to be true.
What E.T. does offer is invaluable: It offers a child’s-eye-view of the world. What’s more, its sweetness and sentimentality cut through most cynicism, presenting us with a film about well-rounded child characters, and their playful, relatable struggle to help a friend. But one can easily see the cracks in its visage. It’s weird, scary, sad, and unsettling. And not in an intended way.
Until next week, let the hate mail flow.
Witney Seibold is the head film critic for Nerdist, and a contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel, and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. You can read his weekly articles Trolling here on Crave, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.
Nine Reasons Why E.T. SUCKS!
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It's Too Sad
E.T. is a seriously maudlin film. The famously tragic tease of E.T.'s near death is well-remembered by many kids because of how gut-wrenchingly sad it is. Looking at it again, you may find E.T.'s near-death experience to be one of the most forcefully manipulative and needlessly tear-wrenching scenes in cinema history. It's like the scene in The Fly II wherein Eric Stoltz introduces Daphne Zuniga to a cute kitten just so he can put it in a machine that might just turn it inside out. This is not an emotional triumph. This is visceral trickery.
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The Monster Looks Dumb
I have never been comfortable with the creature design in E.T. The creature's big weird eyes, lanky neck, and burn-victim skin don't seem alien, fascinating, or even aesthetically pleasing. Why would any kid want to get near this awful-looking gnome monster? It doesn't look friendly, scary, or even basically biological. It looks like a Star Wars toy that was left on the barbecue grill. It's just ugly. Despite what the film would have you believe, this toad doesn't read as cuddly. The effects that brought it to life were impressive, but the creature itself is off-putting.
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The “Psychic Bond” Thing Isn't Explained
One of the plot conceits of E.T. is that the creature has some sort of vague psychic bond with the 10-year-old Elliott. Or maybe E.T. is controlling Elliot. They can feel the same emotions, I think. Or can they intuit one another's thoughts? None of this is really made explicit, and it's not fully explored. We just have a little kid bonding with a creature over vaguely implied magical alien rules. Does he bond with others? Are they mating? Is this common with his species?
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E.T.'s Powers Are Vague
Indeed, E.T. seems to have the ability to do just about anything. In addition to those vague psychic powers, E.T. can make plants grow just by touching them, he can heal the sick, he can come back from the dead, and, in the famous coup de grâce, he can make a team of bicycles fly. If E.T. can do all this stuff, what's keeping him from returning to his ship more quickly? If he can make things fly, why does he not fly himself? If he can heal sickness and return from the dead, why does he feel fear? Why is it so hard for him to return home? Can't he blind his foes, feed them fearful emotions, and fly away? What can he and can't he do? It feels a bit random after a while.
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His Physiology is Also Vague
E.T. eats human food? Does he need to excrete waste? We refer to E.T. as a “he,” but couldn't that thing easily be a female? And seriously, it gets drunk on human beer? Really crappy American beer? Also, what is the name of E.T.'s species? He eventually learns a little English, but E.T. never tells Elliott anything about himself. Just a vague message of “be good.” Just don't do what E.T. does, which means...
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It's Unwholesome
So the monster gets drunk and projects its drunkenness into a 10-year-old boy, forcing him to recreate a scene from a movie he was watching? A 10-year-old gives a big kiss to the girl of his dreams. He's ten. And he's drunkenly kissing girls now? Remember, kids watching the movie, that drinking alcohol can make you stronger and braver. Yeesh. I suppose we should be grateful that E.T. forced Elliott to reenact a romance, and not a scene from A Clockwork Orange or something.
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A Speak & Spell? Really?
This marvel of the universe, with psychic abilities and pervy, make-your-10-year-old-friend-drunk-by-association powers needs to return home. He has to contact a ship belonging to his species. He builds a radio from common household items, like a turntable, an umbrella, and a Speak & Spell. Does that strike anyone else as dumb? A Speak & Spell? Common household items? Why not, say, an actual radio? A 10,000-watt radio antenna? Surely there's one nearby. Heck, if he's psychic, why not communicate with his species psychically?
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The Music Does All the Heavy Lifting
The big stirring scene at the film's climax is essentially Elliott and his family watching E.T. walk onto a ship and drive away. Sure, the beloved creature is leaving, which was its goal all along, but it's pretty basic. We know this is a big emotional moment because John Williams is having a series of sentimental conniption fits on the soundtrack. Watch this video, and you'll see that John Williams is what made that scene. Indeed, without Williams' score, the film would be flat and dull, and you'd see how insignificant most of the movie is. John Williams is the reason you remember any of this, and he's gotta be damn noisy to make any of this work.
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Product Placement
This has been repeatedly brought up over the years, so I'll have to mention it. Sales of Reese's Pieces skyrocketed after this film. Because the creepy brown monster ate them. This is more egregious than what Adam Sandler does on a regular basis. It's worse than Joan Crawford and her Pepsi. This is using a very specific product as a plot point in your movie. What's more, Star Wars is plastered all over this thing, and kids seem to dress in nothing but Yoda costumes come Halloween. If Steven Spielberg wanted to sleep with George Lucas so badly, why didn't he just ask?
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The Title is Dumb
This is a petty quibble, but I've also never been comfortable with the title. We have a two-letter title, and then the explanation of what it stands for. Why both? Why not call it just E.T.? Why not call it – perhaps more poignantly – The Extra-Terrestrial? That would be like calling the old TV show “S.W.A.T.: Special Weapons and Tactics,” or the new TV show “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Agents of the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.” Pick one and stick with it, please.
