The future is here, and while we’re still waiting for the sci-fi promise of hoverboards and cyber-telekinesis, one technological breakthrough has men feeling some serious post-millennial gratitude: The Autoblow 2.
Yes, it’s a blowjob machine.
Around nine inches tall and a bit more than four inches wide, the Autoblow 2 is the first automatic masturbation machine for men. Brass tacks: it will suck your dick, or at least provide a remarkably similar feeling. The device initially gained fame with its successful Indiegogo crowdfunding project, and with kinetic product launch the end result certainly doesn’t disappoint.
Yeah, you’ve heard of the Fleshlight, and maybe even tried it out for yourself at some point after installing triple deadbolts on your door. But let’s not dance around the obvious – that’s just a thin plastic tube with a piece of rubber inside. It’s messy, inanimate and flawed. Let’s not even discuss the “release the Kraken of shame” screw-end cleanup disasters when the party’s over. Don’t ask.
YOU’VE GOT THIS
Plug the Autoblow 2 into any wall outlet, and once you’ve dimmed the lights and hit ‘play’ on your autoeroticism mood-music mixtape, the unit’s pamphlet instructs users to “then take your penis out, and make it hard,” adding that “there are various ways to do this.” They weren’t more specific about this step, but we managed to negotiate the concept on our own, and were ready to go.
With a handy amount of lube applied, you then penetrate the Autoblow’s pursed “lips” as you would any other orifice you’re about to thrust into. Except this is no apple pie to your little Jason Biggs, gentlemen. This tube doesn’t just sit there – it creates the feeling of sucking with a series of rollers that simulate a mouth moving up and down on your erection, with alternating speeds designated by a dial on the bottom of the device so the user is able to control the… ahem… beats per minute.
So yeah, the Autoblow 2 sucks. And by that, we mean it really, truly sucks. And robot-fucking oddity aside, it’s an amazing feeling.
Choose Your Own Adventure… But Safety Comes First
The Autoblow 2 offers three interchangeable sleeves to fit the size of the owner. Once the fear of a cyborg sex-tube coming to life and tearing your junk off mid-stroke subsides, using the Autoblow 2 definitely provides the pleasure you’re looking for. Wait. That’s an understatement. This feels beyond fucking great. It may just be the greatest home appliance ever created.
As for the competition? There is none. The Autoblow 2 beats the unholy shit out of the Fleshlight, in all matters of gel-based cylinder fucking. That is, if you can get past the image of your dick being the central figure in some erotic-mechanical Hungry Hungry Hippos game. But trust us, that’s not going to be a concern once the thing is in motion.
The device’s up and down movement is controlled using the speed dial, while positioning options allow for a completely hands free masturbatory experience – and the removable sleeve is easy to clean. Where do you hang up the inner fleshtube sleeve to dry before reinserting it into the case? That’s up to you – though we’d advise against letting it drip-dry on your girlfriend’s side of the sink. Or hell, any part of the sink. That’s a hard conversation starter.
The Sticky Tricky Part
The only true downside of the Autoblow 2 is that it’s loud. Not “what’s that faint humming sound?” loud, but really freakin’ distractingly loud. Discreet dorm-room fapping is out the window, unless your floor is some next-level noisy. If you have roommates, make sure you know their whereabouts before firing up this bad boy, or you might have some ‘splainin to do.
Speaking of girlfriends, it’s a bit tough to imagine how this could be used as a sex device for couples. Aside from the noise, it’s undoubtedly a hard sell for even the most secure woman to take a backseat to a blowjob robot, particularly in the scope of helping you use it. If she’s a fun girl, the experience could be a barrel of laughs (and orgasms). Either way, it may take a little convincing at first. But holy shit is it worth the effort.
You know you’re curious. Grab an Autoblow 2 yourself.
