2014 has been a uniquely terrible year for films. Although practically every year brings with it the release of a fair share of bad movies, 2014 practically burst at the seams with terrible motion pictures in practically every genre: blockbusters, animation, dramas, comedies, horror movies (quite a lot of horror movies), science fiction and quiet, independent fare alike. So picking the Worst Movies of 2014 was – to put it mildly – an enormous pain in the tuckus.
And if that paragraph reads almost word-for-word like the introduction to my list of The 14 Best Movies of 2014, that’s no accident. 2014 was one of the most scatterbrained years in recent memory, with tons of exceptional motion pictures mixed in willy-nilly with tons of execrable films that infuriated and/or bored moviegoers to tears. I don’t know what happened. Maybe the law of averages simply kicked in. Maybe you just can’t have that many good movies without also having fistfuls of crap shoved in your face between them.
Check Out: The 14 Best Movies of 2014
And sure enough, these movies are bad. Really, really bad. And yes, that’s just “my opinion” but so is literally everything that everyone says, if you really think about it. But considering that I’ve seen hundreds of movies this year, and these 14 in particular are unequivocally, in my eyes, the worst movies of 2014, I think that says something. These films hurt me. They hurt my brain, they hurt my soul. They were hard to watch in a way that should normally be reserved for driving safety videos depicting of real-life accident victims.
I reviewed almost all of these movies at CraveOnline throughout the year, and you may notice that the actual “ratings” I originally gave them aren’t necessarily as bad as they could have been, although none of them were recommended in any way. All I can say is that sometimes it takes a while for the shock to wear off before a person can fully appreciate what really happened to them.
Check Out: The 14 Most Underrated Movies of 2014
The sad thing is, I hate being this negative. I really do. People worked long and hard on these movies and I’ll bet most of them did their level best to make a great product. Sometimes studio meddling, test audience reactions and/or production difficulties simply get in the way. And sometimes the road to Hell really is paved with good intentions. But in the end, the filmmakers released a work of art designed to evoke an emotional and intellectual reaction from their audience, and when that reaction is misery, pain and/or disgust, I am forced to express it honestly and explain why I reacted that way.
So I simply have to be honest. These are my picks for The 14 Worst Movies of 2014. I hope I watched them so that you didn’t have to, but if you did see any of them, at least our misery knows company. And I hope filmmakers everywhere can learn from these mistakes. Never forget…
William Bibbiani’s Picks for the Worst Movies of 2014:
William Bibbiani is the editor of CraveOnline’s Film Channel and the host of The B-Movies Podcast and The Blue Movies Podcast. Follow him on Twitter at @WilliamBibbiani.
The 14 Worst Films of 2014
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14. The Legend of Hercules
Renny Harlin’s feeble attempt to make a Hercules movie appears to have been funded by a grade school lemonade stand. The effects look half-finished, the script apparently had some pages missing and nobody could afford to unglue Scott Adkin’s fists from his waist after what I can only assume was a freak pre-production accident. Kellan Lutz is almost perfectly dunderheaded as the title hero, but although The Legend of Hercules knows how to rip his shirt off, throw him into a mud-wrestling ring and whip him mercilessly, the shirtless persecution doesn’t even go far enough to be a guilty thrill. When they clean out the Augean stables next time, it’ll be filled with unsold DVD copies of this stinkpile.
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13. Nymphomaniac: Vol. II
One minute. There’s one minute in the two-part, four-hour epic Nymphomaniac that transforms an insightful, non-judgmental look at sexual addiction filled with impressive performances, inventive editing and incredible cinematography into a complete waste of time. Lars von Trier knew what he was doing. The writer/director likes to end his movies with revelations and twists that force an audience to rethink everything that came before them. Sometimes it works. This time it’s a dramatic cheap shot that negates the entire, otherwise impressive film and plays - at best - like a mean-spirited swipe against his critics or - at worst - like a sad inability to stick to his convictions. If Nymphomaniac: Vol. II had ended just one minute earlier, it would have been one of the best films of the year. Instead… well, here we are.
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12. Left Behind
Finally, a movie for Christians who get off on the suffering of others. The Rapture has struck and all the atheists of the world are royally screwed. They spend the whole film looting cheap shirts, admitting they were wrong about everything and overacting in the background while the main characters are talking. Meanwhile, Nicolas Cage is trying to land an airplane during the crisis, and he picks Left Behind - of all movies - to finally rein in the crazy. The limping, mean-spirited Left Behind could have used a splash of personality (and maybe some budget, a decent screenplay and competent ADR).
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11. The Nut Job
I’ve tried very, very hard to forget that The Nut Job exists. So here’s what I have been able to cull together from the refuse pile of my subconscious. There’s an anti-socialist squirrel who gets banished from the park by an evil capitalist raccoon behind the sinister conspiracy of sharing. Characters scream a lot. Liam Neeson tries to make “GIVE ME THE SHINY” sound sinister. In the end they dance to “Gangnam Style” with a CGI Psy and I think Surly Squirrel is the hero we deserve or something. Nuts to that.
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10. Rio 2
“Happy wife, happy life” is the message of the loud and rambling Rio 2, a family movie about why you should always change yourself to preserve an emotionally abusive relationship. The heroes from first film are back, and so are the villains (for no reason whatsoever), and this time they’re visiting the in-laws who hate the insecure protagonist and actively try to break up his marriage. After an entire film of taking it on the chin, Blue (Jesse Eisenberg) sheepishly tells his wife that his feelings are hurt, and she just tells him he’s just being selfish. The movie concludes that she’s right. Sheesh. (Also it’s shrill and annoying.)
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9. No Good Deed
There's a wet Idris Elba on Taraji P. Henson's doorstep, and he wants to come in and take his shirt off. No Good Deed has no fun with this premise whatsoever. Elba is playing a malignant narcissist who takes Henson and her daughter hostage, leading them directly into the path of the world's stupidest police officer and the dumbest plot twist of the year. Nothing in this insipid thriller could possibly be taken seriously. For some reason, the filmmakers tried. Big mistake.
Watch my video interview with No Good Deed star Taraji P. Henson.
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8. The Amazing Spider-Man 2
I didn’t “hate” The Amazing Spider-Man 2 when I first saw it. I must have been having a really good week, because this movie sucks. Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone still have remarkable chemistry, and there are a few genuinely heroic moments peeking in from the periphery, but this is an overstuffed, undercooked sequel with lame villains, a silly musical score and tons of “what were they thinking” moments. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 leads nowhere, except to spin-offs and sequels (which are, by this point, completely unwelcome), and worse, it air-balls the most dramatic moment in the history of the character. The wallcrawler seems to have finally run out of web fluid. Hopefully the next reboot will be better.
Watch my video interview with Amazing Spider-Man 2 star Emma Stone.
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7. Atlas Shrugged: Part III
To hear the Atlas Shrugged trilogy’s defenders tell it, any critique of these movies - based, as they are, on Ayn Rand’s influential, divisive novel - is in itself a political statement. Would that any would that any of them were good enough to make that much of an impact. I don’t care about the statement Atlas Shrugged is making, I care that it makes it very, very badly. The third installment has an all-new cast (for the third time), and they’re the worst yet, drably explaining why they’re right about everything and putting every counterargument in the mouths of weasely idiots who try to martyr the flawless rescue stud John Galt with a super-device made of cheap sparklers and a big red button. Whatever you believe, you’ve gotta believe that this is truly inferior filmmaking.
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6. I, Frankenstein
Oh god, it hurts. There were worse movies this year than I, Frankenstein. How did that happen? Bill Nighy has an evil scheme to bring a Franken-rat to life (actual dialogue: “We’ll kill it!” “It’s already dead!”) and possess re-animated corpses with demons to take over the world. Never mind that the world only has three humans in it, and two of them already work for Bill Nighy. Aaron Eckhart desperately tries to make this supernatural/action hybrid work, but the lousy plot, paper-thin characters, cheap-looking CGI and embarrassing dialogue let him down at every turn. Mary Shelley - the creator of Frankenstein - gets a shout out in the “Thank You” section of the credits. I’m pretty sure the filmmakers aren’t welcome.
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5. The Judge
The worst Oscar bait movie of 2014 is this maudlin, cheesy, cliché-ridden melodrama, starring Robert Downey Jr. (coasting on charm) as a sleazy lawyer defending his father Robert Duvall from a murder charge. The Judge is the kind of movie that thinks incest is adorable, and sends its stars out into a tornado to finish an argument just in case you didn’t get that their relationship is kind of tempestuous. It can’t decide if it wants to be serious or funny, ruining the jokes with serious subtext and ruining the murder mystery with dorky family relationship subplots. It’s not the funniest movie of the year, but it’s by far the most laughable. Let’s hold it in contempt.
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4. Jersey Boys
Here’s an idea: let's get the least fanciful director in Hollywood to adapt an energetic jukebox musical about The Four Seasons and let him drain all the energy out of it. Jersey Boys isn’t an incompetent movie - the acting’s okay, the music is wonderful and the subject matter is interesting enough - but it’s just paced like death warmed over. The script is humorous and self-aware, with the characters constantly breaking the fourth wall as they bound from one intriguing anecdote to another. But Clint Eastwood films it with a patient style that makes his dramas quietly engrossing, and which ruins musicals. There are worse films from 2014, but Jersey Boys is by far the most boring cinematic enterprise of the year.
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3. Tusk
Kevin Smith came up with a pretty stupid idea for a movie on his podcast, but he didn’t stop there. He actually made the danged thing, and he made it badly. Justin Long stars as a podcaster who gets turned into a walrus by a madman, played (actually rather well) by Michael Parks. It’s almost silly enough to work until Johnny Depp shows up with the worst accent in movie history, and Smith lets him jabber at Michael Parks - now donning the second worst accent movie history - about pointless crap for what feels like ever. The joke is supposed to be that Tusk got made in the first place, but the real joke is on anyone who paid good money to see a fake trailer’s worth of movie play out over 102 pointless, irony-killing minutes.
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2. A Haunted House 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!Ahem.
A Haunted House 2 is the opposite of funny. It's a bunch of ideas for jokes - most them off-puttingly racist, sexist or disgusting - that haven't been developed into actual comedy. The first A Haunted House was a classic by comparison. Never see this film. Never, EVER see this film. It's The King in Yellow of motion pictures.
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1. Winter's Tale
Winter’s Tale may not have been the most painful movie-watching experience of 2014 (although it sure comes close), but unlike the rest of the god-awful motion pictures released this year, I have no idea why anyone thought it should be made. Yes, it’s based on a popular book. But once someone - anyone - took a look at Akiva Goldsman’s screenplay there should have been no doubt whatsoever that actually producing it was a bad idea. You’ve got Colin Farrell fucking a woman to death (and he’s the hero). You’ve got Russell Crowe head butting Colin Farrell over and over until he gets amnesia. You’ve got the Tri-Star logo ground-pounding 1940s mobsters in the present day. You’ve got the constellation Orion getting a “romantic” penis extension. And it’s all supposed to be taken dead seriously. It’s embarrassing. It’s just embarrassing to every single person involved. Nothing about it works, makes sense or is even as enjoyably bad as it sounds. Winter’s Tale is the most egregious cinematic mistake in years. Let us never speak of it again.
