There’s no doubt that porn sets an unrealistic expectation for how easy it is to hook up with a stranger. While I appreciate a solid storyline as much as the next person, sometimes the acting and concepts are just so painfully bad it’s almost distracting. Here are 15 of the most unrealistic things I’m sure you’ve noticed in porn videos.
1. If you’re watching a girl get dressed through her window, she is not going to invite you in to join her nakedness. She is calling the cops and you will never be allowed near a playground again.
2. Unless you’re wearing a Girls Gone Wild film crew shirt, girls aren’t going to see you walking around with a camera and think, “Hmm, I should definitely go back to that dude’s house and have unprotected sex with him.”
3. No woman on the side of the road is going to accept a ride from a van with all the seats removed and a mattress in the back. Something about that is a bit uninviting to strangers.
4. If your wife walks in on your having sex with the babysitter, she’s not going to have a moment of shock and then decide to join. She’s going to murder you. I’ve seen enough “Law & Order: SVU” to know how these things work.
5. Unless you’re a coke dealer, two random girls aren’t going to show up at your house and ask to use your phone/sixty-nine with you.
6. No way you can have sex for that long and not once hear, “You’re on my hair!”
7. If you ever stumble upon a glory hole, I can assure you it’s not a smoking hot porn star on the other side. It’s going to be a husky truck driver from the Midwest with scabby lips.
8. If you’re an unemployed, lazy guy and your super hot landlord comes over to let you know you’re about to be evicted, she is never going to settle the debt by having sex with you. “Oh you owe $3000? If you let me go down on you we’ll call it even!” Sure, guy.
9. If a ridiculously hot girl comes to your house passing out flyers or doing a survey, she never going to take a break so you and your chubby friend can tag team her.
10. If her husband was really in the other room while she was getting pounded by the gardener or pool guy, there’s no way he’s not going to hear it. The bed-frame just went through the wall, for crying out loud.
11. Who on earth would finish inside of a girl as a prank? “Haha! I just got you pregnant! Now I’m going to be a father! Lol!”
12. No guy with a soul patch is having that much sex. Sorry, it’s just not going to happen.
13. If the hottest girl in the world tried to pull your pants off and you were just a single, ready-to-go guy, there’s no way you’d say, “Wait! What are you doing?” Your pants would be off so fast they’d break the sound barrier.
14. If you woke a girl up for sex, she’s definitely not going to be wearing full porn make-up and have her hair done. If she went to sleep with all that on, she’s going to wake up with smeared mascara and lipstick all over her teeth. I mean you’d obviously do it, but still.
15. And of course:
THE WOMAN IN THIS PORNO IS A MORON. HER PIZZA IS GOING TO BE COLD BY THE TIME SHE’S DONE HAVING SEX WITH THE DELIVERY GUY
– Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) May 25, 2013
