Few things in this world offer the same satisfaction as a warm cup of freshly dripped glory in the morning, but do you know exactly what’s in the coffee and tea you drink to awaken those weary eyes and that brain-dead head? Have a fresh peek and see if you like what’s happening with your morning coffee and tea.
Serving 40 million people a week from 17,000 stores with twice as many employees as the country of Greenland, it’s safe to say Starbucks is the most common coffee consumption of mankind. It’s no grand revelation to look and see a Starbucks shop 20 feet in front of you, let alone another one in pissing distance, but that doesn’t mean the McDonalds of the coffee consuming industry is the best way to go about your mornings.
Just to give an idea, a 16-ounce “grande” (just say “large,” a-holes) has four times the caffeine of one Red Bull. Considering that yellowy gasoline-like substance burns acidic holes in the ground, four times that on a morning wake-up routine seems a bit much, especially for the diseased heavy coffee drinker who has multiple cups.
Franchise coffee companies are so consumed with upping the tolerance of everyday coffee lovers into caffeine-addicted junkies with the dependency of a bridge-dwelling meth enthusiast. Upon reading this, it might seem a little harsh, a little biased, but the fact that Starbucks has a hidden short size cup on hand that doesn’t appear on the menu speaks volumes to their interest in serving up as much over-cooked ounces of burnt beans as humanly conceivable. Although this jet fuel comes in a “kid’s size” – hopefully they’re not allowed to sell to kids – it’s definitely a healthy alternative for people to slow their caffeine roll and work their way down a few cup sizes. There’s also the option of finding energy through natural forms like a good night’s rest and exercise.
If you’re still convinced these caffeine-spilling monopolies have your best at heart, consider that their largest size, “trenta,” is 31 ounces of pure black filth, which is physically larger than the average stomach’s capacity. That might explain the 31 bathroom breaks. Add to that the sugar and milk, both of which speed up the bowel-loosening process, it takes to make this coffee drinkable and you see where we’re going with this. If they’re literally giving you more than your body can handle, how can that be a healthy routine for your fragile self?
A healthier, cheaper alternative to this cracked-out caffeinated lifestyle is to support your local coffee shop, buying whole beans in bulk and saving hundreds of dollars while receiving a sensible dose of caffeine in a delicious, full-flavored cup and helping your community’s small businesses. It makes sense.
Another healthy alternative altogether is the magical elixir of nature known as tea, a substance notorious for its cancer-fighting properties and nerve-calming abilities packed with anti-oxidants for hydration, plus it’s pure heaven in a cup. In addition, black tea – the most caffeinated of the tea types – has about an eighth the caffeine of a cup of franchise coffee (320+ milligrams), and best of all, it’s affordable, costing pennies on the cup when it’s purchased in bulk.
But just because you’re smart enough to drink tea doesn’t mean you’re the perfect image of health. Most commonly drank teas – like Lipton – are mass produced pouches consisting of tea fannings, dusty low quality leaves that provi
de a poor taste in comparison to large, fresh loose leaves. Lipton was spotted serving tea bags in China that were reportedly laced with toxic pesticide residue, but that’s a risk you take when dealing with large corporations.
It’s understandable that people want their tea and they want it fast since we live in fast food friendly, gimme-it-now world of 30-second steeps, but if you’re looking for a quality cup that has full flavor and stronger medicinal properties, you’ll find a good loose leaf from your local tea shops instead of buying bulk bags at the cheapest price you can find. Just tell these highly trained people what you want in a tea, and they’ll set you up with a little concoction that might just rock your world.
Green teas, oolongs (brown) and jasmine tea are all in that middle ground of tea types that offer a small dose of caffeine – less than black – that are noteworthy in hydrating and detoxifying your polluted, congested hellhole of a body.
If you’re looking for the energy of a caffeinated drink without ingesting any caffeine, there are healthy alternatives found in the tea community, like ginseng and hibiscus flowers, significant in providing that much-desired morning kick while reducing poor health conditions like high blood pressure and high cholesterol. You can get out of caffeine altogether and still have a reasonable amount of energy without the crash of a sugar-filled cup of burnt coffee, an evil potion that turns people into superheroes just before it turns them into droopy-eyed shells of men asleep under their desks.
Drink what you will, even your own urine if you like (apparently it has some medicinal quality for survival), but know that following the long line to the pastry counter of an overcrowded coffee franchise isn’t the same as making your own from the peace and quiet of your own home. Plus, franchise coffee makes you poop yourself in that unpleasant way nobody likes to talk about.
