Photo: Getty
You may not realize it, but a lot has changed in the last 10 years. Although, you may have spent most of the decade drinking yourself into oblivion, only to wake up covered in penis drawings, the rest of us spent that time slowly getting rid of outdated possessions. Have a look at 10 objects that have become widely obsolete in the last 10 years, then think about all the waste you created. How dare you! Now go find that deeply buried flip phone of yours and get charged to recycle it.
Smoking Sections
Thank goodness. While it’s taken some smoking states awhile to get on board, smoking sections in pretty much all establishments (that aren’t completely redneck) are mostly nonexistent. And we’re not just talking restaurants, but it’s also happening in bars, outside of bars, on sidewalks that have views of bars and even people’s personal property up in those fancy Hollywood Hills. What, are you going to pay for all that water to put out the wildfire because some ass couldn’t step on his butt? We’re in a drought, people!
Radio Alarm Clocks
Bill knows alarm clocks are for assholes. While this was easily the first image to come to mind, it’s not so strange to have an alarm clock still. They just simply exist inside our phones, like everything else, including porn, a flashlight, a calculator, our only camera and, of course, more porn.
Answering Machines
We certainly don’t miss coming home to an hour-long message from our parents, along with all the losers we wouldn’t pick up for, even if we were home. No, now we stalk from a distance and leave incredibly intimate messages in immediate places like Facebook and Instagram messages and Twitter DMs, topped off nicely with a recent, well-lit dick pic. Thank goodness we got rid of those answering machines!
Film Photos
“What are we going to do, put our heads in the toilet?” Well, if you’re one of those people who takes 50 photos, uses one (or none) of them, and then just carries on with life, never once making a scrapbook, then yes, maybe you should put your head in a toilet. We’re not saying you need to build your own darkroom, but, come on, you’re going to have to go through them eventually. Maybe you’d cut back on the sexy selfies, if you caught a good glimpse of your past more often. I mean, you’re a 43-year-old man, for Christ’s sake!
Cable TV
Now “Netflix and Chill,” cable television has pretty much gone out with the introduction of streaming videos, along with streaming through terrifying Tinder profiles. Although movies and popcorn are now synonymous with buttery hand jobs and boobs grabs, that doesn’t mean you can’t have a Netflix night with a group of friends. Or wait, is that an orgy now?
Printers
“Print is dead,” they said. Well, it is, but we still manage to get endless junk cluttered in our mailboxes still, so somebody still has a printer. Or maybe somebody has collected all the discarded printers and is using them to print more junk ads for our mailboxes. What a diabolical scheme!
Takeout Menus
Who needs a takeout menu when you have Yelp? Well, I have my three places I like to go, and I have those menus memorized. Anywhere further is just totally out of the question. If you get me that far from home, I’ll have to get drunk to find any comfort, then it’ll just be picking off people’s plates (the people next to us, most likely) while pounding countless beers. You can’t take me anywhere.
Phonebooks
Yet you still get one at your door every goddamn year. Nobody has landlines, and any business worth calling has a website with a number listed. And still, there is a 2,000-page book on my doorstep everywhere, which gets recycled for either kindling or last resort toilet paper. Why hasn’t anyone invented the cellphone phone book? Dammit, we’ve said too much. So much for an early retirement.
Fat TVs & DVD Players
Fatties need love, too, but not these fatties. You couldn’t get a homeless person to cart one of these to a pawn shop, so why on Earth would anyone in their right mind expect someone to want theirs? The turnover of fat to flat TVs in America is so astounding you can’t even find them in major retail stores anymore. They’re too busy beaming the picture directly into our brains.
Landlines
Not to mention flip phones, landlines have become a thing of the past. Boy, don’t you miss Andy Griffith having his hands full with that phone? There was nothing better than smacking a ringing rotary off the hook, only to get hung up on, then spending three minutes spinning that dial to call them back.
Much like the fat TV, you can’t find a stupid phone in a land of smartphones. The only way you’re using a flip phone is if you’re unemployed, a drug dealer or a little of both on Breaking Bad…
How can we forget this?
And now to binge-watch that show again.
