Photo: TolimirD, Getty Images.
Valentine’s Day is one gift-giving holiday you don’t want to mess up. While chocolate might seem like a foolproof gift, you shouldn’t just grab the first heart-shaped box of sweets you see and assume your duty is done. When it comes to edible valentines, it’s not just the thought that counts. Choose wisely with our ranked list of the best (and the worst) V-day chocolate, then treat your sweetheart to something special.
Valentine’s Day Chocolate, Ranked:
Valentine's Day Chocolates, Ranked
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#20 Cordial Cherries
If the idea of biting into someone's organ turns you on, you might enjoy Queen Anne Cordial Cherries. The bland chocolate, the slippery consistency and tang of an artificial Maraschino, the ooze and gooze of the cream filling--it's just too much of the wrong kind of stimulation. Old people seem to like them, though, so if your girl's geriatric, go right ahead.
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#19 Lindt Truffles
There's no polite way to say this: Lindt, a brand known for its truffles, basically makes chocolate balls that ejaculate into your mouth. No girl is jonesing for that sensation from her dessert. Save that surprise for later.
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#18 Russell Stover
If you're on a budget, you'll probably buy an assortment of Russell Stover thinking they'll suffice. You're wrong. The only place these sorry excuses for chocolate will end up is the garbage.
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#17 Heart-Shaped Junior Mints
Junior Mints remind many of us of afternoons spent in a dark movie theater, digging into that green-and-white carton, searching for just one more gooey, minty orb. If Junior Mints had just altered its shape to fit Valentine's Day themes, we'd heartily endorse them. Instead, they went and messed with a good thing, turning the filling red. Nobody wants to smile at their sweetheart with bloody-looking goo on their mouth. Shame on you, Junior Mints! You've managed to ruin both V-day and movie theater makeout sessions.
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#16 Ferrero Rocher
Whoever thought to combine hazelnut and chocolate and form it into a ball deserves a slap upside the head. But that's what you get with Ferrero Rocher. Again, we're faced with the "obstruction of chew" issue that plagues Snickers, though in this case, the nuts are tiny, resulting in an unpleasant mouthfeel. No, that's not a euphemism.
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#15 Kit-Kat Miniatures
Oh, Kit-Kat. You couldn't have figured out a way to be yourself, but heart-shaped? Don't you know size matters? If you're giving your girl chocolate, she doesn't want it shrunk down to preschool portions. Call it "fun" if you want to, but we ain't nobody's fool.
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#14 Giant Hershey's Kiss
In theory, we love the idea of big kiss. But blowing up the classic Hershey's Kiss into a gargantuan 7-ounce treat makes it more of a gag gift than a chocolate lover's fantasy. This kiss is impossible to eat, daintily or otherwise, due to its triangular shape and impenetrable solid chocolate interior. This is just one of those presents better kept in the box.
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#13 Rolo
Rolo is one of those chocolates that induces nostalgia even though the chocolate-caramel nubs don't taste that great. They hardly even qualify for Valentine's Day, given that the shape is the same as always. Add the juvenile bear image on the heart-shaped box and basically you're saying you want to be her creepy uncle.
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#12 Twix Hearts
Ah, Twix. Another awful-tasting chocolate creation that somehow became an American tradition thanks to clever advertising. Your valentine is worth more than this dry and sticky excuse for chocolate, even if it is heart-shaped.
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#11 Snickers Hearts
Snickers are a divisive candy bar. Those who don't mind having their chocolate-caramel chewing experience interrupted by crunchy peanuts might enjoy this tiny Valentine's treat, but others will feel like this heart is unnecessarily complicated. It's better than nothing, but it's far from the best.
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#10 Nestle Crunch Hearts
Nestle Crunch, the light, crispy chocolate treat of your sugar-gorging youth has been reshaped for Valentine's Day. It's one of the rare V-day chocolates that tastes just as good in heart shapes as it does in candy bar form.
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#9 Whitman's Sampler
As far as boxed chocolates go, Whitman's is a trustworthy brand with enough variety to entertain the taste buds. There are no bells and whistles here, but no waxy aftertaste, either.
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#8 Chocolate Covered Fortune Cookies
Most people don't associate Valentine's Day with fortune cookies, but Emily's Chocolate Covered Fortune Cookies might have you asking why not. Covered in a generous layer of chocolate and individually wrapped, your sweetheart just might be satisfied with one. And if you're not the type to profess your love out loud, let the fortune say it for you.
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#7 York Peppermint Patties Hearts
Desserts flavored with peppermint somehow feel guilt-free. Peppermint patties are nearly that, with lower fat content than their solid chocolate counterparts. Coated in dark chocolate, they're a grown-up version of a childhood favorite, and they leave your mouth feeling fresh enough to kiss.
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#6 Hershey's Marshmallow Heart
Marshmallows are the quickest way to get your honey's heart beating--literally! There's so much sugar in those freakishly artificial treats that you'd have to be comatose not to feel the effects. Temper that sugar rush with a coating of milk chocolate and you have a winning smooth and sweet combination.
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#5 Ghirardelli Squares
Like Dove, Ghirardelli is a dependable brand of tasty chocolate. Sold in thin squares, it achieves an excellent balance of depth and sweetness without being too bitter or cloyingly sweet. Even the white chocolate varieties are worth a try--but stay away from any fruit-flavored or filled versions. Like love, chocolate is best when it's simple.
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#4 Valentine's Day M and Ms
You already know M&Ms as the chocolate candy that "melts in your mouth, not in your hand", but did you know it also melts hearts? (Corny, we know, but so is V-day.) Something about the artificial colors infused in the Valentine's Day variety of this iconic American treat makes them especially addictive. You can't go wrong with these pretty little candies, be they milk chocolate, dark chocolate, peanut butter, or peanut. Romantic M&Ms stamped with modern-day pet names and hashtags are available, or customize your own on the M&Ms website.
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#3 Dove Chocolate Heart
Dove is high quality chocolate priced reasonably enough to accommodate binges. It's silky, rich, and satisfying. The chocolate is normally sold as "Promises" (small squares wrapped in foil with a sentence of wisdom or advice printed on it). But for Valentine's Day, you should go all out and give a hefty, solid heart. Choose milk chocolate if you don't know your valentine's tolerance for bitterness, or go dark if her palate is more sophisticated.
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#2 Butterfinger Heart
Another version of the heavenly peanut-butter-and-chocolate combination is at the top of our list. Butterfingers are the chocoholic's version of crack. They're messy and make you feel a little insane post-consumption, but if you could, you'd eat them until they killed you. What more could you want from chocolate--or from love, for that matter?
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#1 Reese's Peanut Butter Heart
Peanut butter and chocolate are the perfect couple, and any Reese's peanut butter cup lover knows that the higher the peanut-butter-to-chocolate ratio, the better. Let her indulge her top two cravings with a 5-ounce peanut butter heart. Expect to hear moans of delight and don't even ask to share.
