Photo: J.R. Ball, Getty Images.
Valentine’s Day isn’t for everyone. Whether you’re newly single or simply flying solo on Feb. 14, feelings are bound to arise on this unfortunate greeting card holiday. That’s what comfort foods are for. These eats will soothe your bitter, broken, lonely heart and, if you eat enough of them, will put you in a carb coma so deep you’ll sleep straight through to Feb. 15. Suck it, Cupid.
10 Edible Ways to Tell Valentine's Day to Eff Off
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Mean Conversation Hearts
Finally, some conversation hearts for those of us with sharp tongues and pissy attitudes. These one-inch vanilla-almond cookies are coated in colored orange blossom icing. (Chocolate cookie conversation hearts are also available.) Phrases like "Drop dead", "Go 2 hell", and "Eat dirt" convey exactly what's in your heart. Order on Etsy any time of the year.
Photo: sugarberrysweets on Etsy.
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Anti-Valentine's Day Doughnuts
Glam Doll Donuts has sass in spades. Express your distaste for all things Feb. 14 with these profoundly composed pastries bearing text-able messages like "U R A Turd" and modern-day kiss-offs like "Bye, Felicia!"
Photo: @glamdolldonuts on Instagram.
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Voodoo Doughnut Dolls
While we would never condone domestic violence, voodoo dolls in pastry form are one socially acceptable way to discharge your anger at that un-special someone who makes your life a living hell. These Evil JuJu Donut Dolls from Angel Food Bakery are filled with chunky cherry guts and come with "glass" sugar shards so you can make your imaginary frenemy "feel" the same kind of pain s/he put you through.
Photo: angelfoodmn.com.
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DIY Zombie Doughnuts
If love doesn't terrify you at least a little bit, you clearly have never been in love before. Whether you want to channel your Valentine's Day rage into a project or need to keep your hands busy so you don't text your ex out of despair, making these DIY zombie doughnuts is a good way to distract yourself. Added bonus: you'll have something sweet to show for your time when you're done, unlike Facebook-stalking the one who's haunting you. The Bear Foot Baker will lead you through the process on her blog.
Photo: thebearfootbaker.com.
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Anti-Valentine's Day Macarons
Was the girl who scorned you one of those princess types obsessed with all things pink and frilly? If so, she probably liked macarons, too. Desecrate those frou-frou French confections with an edible pen and whatever nasty retorts you've been spinning around in your head. The Sprinkles for Breakfast blog has some suggestions for choice phrases.
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Valentine's Day Sucks Lollipops
Valentine's Day sucks, quite literally, at UK confectionery Holly's Lollies. (One could argue V-day also blows, but the pun doesn't work as well.) You can purchase booze-infused, hand-crafted lollipops stamped with "Valentine's Day Sucks" stickers at the company's online store. Because as long as your mouth's busy ingesting alcohol, no matter how minute the quantity, you can't say anything you'll regret later.
Photo: @hollylollies on Instagram.
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Bleeding Heart Cake
"Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist, wrapped in blood!" So goes one of the more clever lines from the 2004 romantic drama Closer. Rather than indulge the tame interpretation of a heart that's plastered everywhere come February, depict that duplicitous organ in an anatomically-correct manner and make it the showpiece of a cake. All you need is some fondant, mixed berry coulis, and a tutorial from YouTube.
Photo: @cassandra_yap on Instagram.
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Wounded Heart Cupcakes
You may have had your heart broken more than once. If only at the end of each disappointing love relationship, you got a complimentary cupcake. Whether your beloved left your heart shattered or penetrated it with a sharp knife, either of these cupcakes have enough frosting to spackle the gaping holes in your heart.
Photo: momandpops on Flickr.
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Broken-Hearted Gingerbread Man
Gingerbread cookies may not be in season, but heartbreak always is. Make your own dough from scratch or use a mix, roll out, and cut, then endow this sad man with a frown and broken heart with icing.
Photo: debbismirnoff, Getty Images.
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Broken Heart Pizza
After all that sugar, you'll need some protein to ward off a precipitous crash. Order a pizza with plenty of muscle-strengthening meat and cut a zig-zag down the middle. If you really want to visually commemorate the consequences of going your separate ways, order his and hers toppings on opposite sides of the pizza. Just try not to cry while stuffing your face; this pie is salty enough already.
Photo: @lizzypaulsonful on Instagram.
