Photo: via Buzzfeed
When the wicker baskets begin to overflow with chocolate goose eggs and jelly beans, scattered across the living room with fake green grass (the tinsel of springtime), only one religious holiday can be polluting the air: Easter. And when it comes to this grandiose celebration, a pre-Thanksgiving of sorts, the first question that comes to mind is obvious: What the hell does a bunny have to do with Easter anyway?
Well, supposedly the Protestant German immigrants brought the idea over in the 1700s with their egg-laying “Osterhase,” German for Easter hare. Their bunny would lay colored eggs in colorfully decorated nests and baskets made by children. Fast forward to today and, of course, Americans have Americanized yet another country’s unique tradition into a Hallmark-heavy, card-pumping, diabetic delivery of a holiday.
For more honesty, try: Uncovering the Sick Truths Behind Your Favorite Childhood Games
But it’s our job to warn you about going down the rabbit hole with the Easter Bunny, a once loved hare of the community and now the creepiest mascot possible for a Christian holiday. Don’t let his soft fur and delicious candies distract you from the truth: These bunnies can’t be trusted. Now find out the painful truth…
Creepy Bunnies
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They All Terrify Your Kids
Photo: via Someecards.com
You ever seen a kid smiling while having their picture taken with the Easter Bunny? Fuck no! All they make your kids do is cry. Fear mixed with religion; it's an American tradition.
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There's a History of Evil Rabbits
Photo: via costumemodels.com
Bugs Bunny, the Trix rabbit, Roger Rabbit? Are you noticing pattern here? Evil fucking history of bunnies. You think the one letting your kid sit on its lap is any less evil? Think again.
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Sometimes They Expose Themselves
Photo: via Huffington Post
The evil ones don't always hide it, but at least they're honest. I bet my bottom dollar I see some idiot in a bunny costume expose his Cadbury eggs at least once a year on the news.
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Very Few Are Convincing
Photo: via teamjimmyjoe.com
When they quit trying, that's when you really need to worry. That tells you they've done this enough times that they realize they don't need to rent the suit anymore. If you see this man, grab your kids and run.
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Be Worried If Your Kids Enjoy It
Photo: via metv.com
We'd be worried if our kids actually enjoyed the experience. The fact that they cry means they know better. Kids can sense sex offenders and creeps.
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Never Trust One That's Not in a Mall
Photo: via scaryforkids.com
Even then, it's not safe. You have to really think, "Who is the person whose life has led them to this point? Is this business or personal?" Think about that a moment and then decide if anyone you love should be near these furry deviants.
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This Feels Accurate
Photo: via weeebay.com
For some reason, this terrifies us much less than the others.
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They Look Suspiciously Like Furries
Photo: via Someecards.com
You know, the convention where people dress up as giant furry animals and have sex. That's like one of them taking a lunch break at the food court in the mall and then wandering over to meet your family. Is this bringing up any repressed memories yet?
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If It's in Your Home, Kill It
Photo: via Someecards.com
Noticing the furniture in the photos, we can only assume most of people bunnies infiltrated your home and are now aware of the layout of your home, most likely with access to one or more of its entryways. Lock your kids' doors, put bars on the windows and load your shotgun before you brush your teeth, folks.
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If It Doesn't Look Like a Bunny, Run
Photo: via taringa.net
It's when they don't look like bunnies at all that we really begin to wonder. There's nothing worse than a talentless bunny, because those are the ones with nothing to lose. Be safe out there, kids, and don't take jellybeans from strange bunnies.
