Photo: TriStar Pictures
Life is full of them: misconceptions and the most common ones are the lame platitudes people seem to use (err, misuse) the most. Although most people are sadly mistaken whenever they open their mouths with something unoriginal, we’re still going to clear the air in order to save some shreds of embarrassment. You know, either way, you’re probably screwed, but at least you’ll know what you’re saying when you say it. See what we’re saying?
From old-age phrases your mother used to tell you to the bullshit teachers feed you in order to get you to behave all the way up to your friends fill your head with useless crap, common misconceptions about life are everywhere, and we’re going to start fixing the problem one overused, misused phrase at a time.
By the end, your lexicon will be sharp as a whistle? Or is clean? Or smooth? Eh, who cares. Now, take our unlicensed word for everything you’re about to learn, then immediately regurgitate.
10 Common Misconceptions About Life You’re Sadly Mistaken On
In Other News: Your Cable Company Is Reaming You Whether You Realize It or Not (You Probably Realize It and Take It Anyway)
Common Misconceptions
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A Relationship Will Fix What's Wrong
Photo: via wanna-joke.com
You were a train wreck before, and you'll be a train wreck after. Either way, you'll probably find yourself eating an ungodly amount of Cheetos to keep yourself sane.
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People Think About You
One of the biggest misconceptions, besides thinking your life is important, is that people think about you. People don't think about you. They think about themselves, just like you do, you selfish prick. I mean, they send you funny photos on your birthday, but that's just something they've been holding onto, waiting to show you how funny they are.
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If You're Funny, You'll Make a Great Comedian
Photo: via lolriot.com
Just because you're funny doesn't mean you have the sack to scrape up some laughs on stage. People are brutal, especially when their focus is all on you. You better be funny, funny man. Come to find out, you're not that funny; you just know a lot of Seinfeld quotes.
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In Your 20s, You Understand Life
You have a driver's license and a legal I.D. for buying beer, so what else could you possibly need? You may think, somewhere around 24, you've got it all figured out. That's when you have to learn about health insurance, paying your own taxes, how to vote, what a political primary is, what a fascist is, how many cups are in a quart, why women use tampons, where babies come from and why the Earth is (supposedly) not flat. But don't worry, you won't know shit in your 30s either.
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Life Isn't About the Destination
Photo: Pinterest
It is too about the destination. I don't give a shit how great the journey is if I'm ending up someplace that sucks. The last thing I'll care about is the journey if I end up in Missouri again. Fuck the journey. You tell me where we're going, and I'll consider leaving the house.
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Old Dog, No New Tricks
You're never too old to learn a new trick, especially if you're over 40 and it involved a drum set. Life was made for making a racket.
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Holding the Door Will Earn You Any Appreciation
Photo: via me.me
No matter how awkward of a distance away the next person is coming up behind you, no door held for another is ever guaranteed to grant you a simple "thank you." You'd think the little, old lady would have some goddamn manners by now, but no. Maybe she's saving her breath and sparing you a CPR situation you'd prefer to opt out of.
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Everything Happens For a Reason
Everything does happen for a reason, but it sure as shit isn't always the right reason. How about some more vague platitudes? The next person who tells me everything happens for a reason is going to get a slap upside the head, at which point I'll explain to them the reason why that happened.
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Because You're a Spiritual Person, You Can't Tell People to Get Fucked
Photo: Pinterest
Just because you're some enlightened being (or so you've convinced yourself because you have a certificate that says so) doesn't mean you can't lose your shit sometimes. Bottling it up is what the unenlightened do, and letting it pass through is just no fun. You should feel enlightened enough to tell someone where to go when they steal your parking spot during Christmas. That's the cardinal rule.
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Life's a Bitch and Then You Die
Life is a bitch, but you don't die nearly as soon as you'd imagine. Life will be a bitch to you for some time, and it will break you down, down, down until you have nothing left. Then, you'll dust yourself off, start anew and feel inspired to be a better person. That's when you'll die, when you're finally starting to smile again.
