Photo: via Quick Meme
Oh, 21, you were a real bad decision. Actually, you were a series of real bad decisions, but if we could do it all over, would we really go about it any differently? Hell yes, we would! We might be bankers or doctors or teachers now, but just think of how hard it was to get there because we were such little assholes at 21. It was a stunt in our growth, a pause on our post-adolescence, a — I’m running out of ideas here — a black mark on our pristine record.
Between the drinking, the bad sex, the cheeseburgers overdoses, the pretending to care about things that didn’t matter and not caring about things that actually did, well, we’re still pretty fucked up from it still to this day. If we could go back and tell our 21-year-old self anything, we’d probably slap them across the face and hand them this list of 12 things you’d do very different if you could do it all over again.
We all know our 21-year-old self would just use that list to roll up a fat doobie or light a bag of feces on fire, but it’s the thought that counts. Right?
12 Things You’d Do Vastly Differently If You Could Go Back and Do 21 All Over Again
(Facebook photo: wundervisuals/Getty)
Our only other suggestion: Don’t Get Caught Staring at Boobs Like These Horny Idiots
To Be 21 Again
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Pump the Brakes on Drinking & Actually Accomplish Something
If you recall, we started great things when we were young, but then we got our licenses and found out about alcohol. That's when things really went off the rails, and 12 years later you're trying to find out where it all went wrong. Moderation, my friends, it means you can have fun and accomplish something in your life.
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Quit Pretending Like You Know Anything
Just own up to the fact that you don't know shit now, so you definitely didn't know shit then, even though you might've thought so. Most of the time we just wanted to sound like we did, but some nights we were almost certain we knew at least one thing. That was probably the alcohol talking.
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Stop Listening to Your Idiot Friends
If you hadn't listened to your friends, you'd probably be a very different person, a good person, even. The next time your friend gives you a suggestion, however minute, you tell them that you've had it with their shithead ideas and you're done listening!
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Fuck Your Grades
If we could go back to college, we'd probably take classes that we actually have some interest in, then go deep, well beyond the surface level, to the point where we actually might know something after all. Our biggest regret was giving a shit about our grades. Where did that ever matter after high school?
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Be Kind to Those You Don't Care About
You might not know it, but people don't think about you. However, that doesn't mean you should treat everyone like shit. When you're a young, cool asshole, you think you can do what you want, but later in life you realize if you had just been a little less of an asshole, life would be so much easier, and you could ask people for a lot more favors. Too late.
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SPF, SPF, SPF
No matter what Trump tells you, spray tans are for suckers, but so is skin cancer. Having a sweet tan when you're younger was everything, but now you hide in the closet to protect your damaged skins from further freckling and impending melanoma. SPF, kids, it'll save lives.
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Do Happy Drugs (Responsibly)
Blow makes you loud and a shitty, obnoxious person to be around (even now), but if you would've just learned to party with the fun, happy drugs that don't make you want to punch a wall and pay strippers for their love, things could be so much easier. Whoever invented cocaine should be shot full of...cocaine. Yeah, how do you like your drugs now, asshole?
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Quit Trying to Be Cool, It's Not Working
Photo: Pinterest
To further our point about the hard drugs, if you were doing it just to be cool, trust us, you weren't. If you're still doing them now, then you definitely aren't.
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Take It Easy on the Cheeseburgers
So you liked to drink a couple dozen beers and put down a few patties at the good, old cheeseburger picnic? Well, it was all fun and games, but now a cheeseburger is considered your cheat day. Boy, did you ever become somebody's fat bitch! We're only joking, as obesity is one of America's biggest problems.
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Don't Be Afraid to Pull the Trigger...
Speaking metaphorically, the trigger would be your indecision, something you wrestled with most of your 20s. Well, now you're a man, kind of, and you need to get used to making tough decisions in a blink (1,2,3...), shaking it off, stuffing it down deep and waiting for the looming regret that will ultimately bring about your demise.
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...Or Dance
Or you could just dance and quit worrying so much what everyone thinks about you. If it helps, they always thought you were a weirdo, so own that shit and have some fucking fun with it.
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But Mostly, Just Live Your Life
Just because you should've laid off the cheeseburger buffet doesn't mean you can't get a little dessert up in your beard. It took you a lifetime to grow a decent mustache, so celebrate, you silly clown.
