Photo: koldunova (Getty)
We all know it: Cats are a-holes. And yet, we invite them into our homes, let them shit inside, pet them knowing they’ll scratch us and give them food knowing they’ll puke it up on our favorite rug.
As a man who recently went from being a proud, loving dog father to now living with his first cat, I’ve learned a lot about life, especially when it comes to evil, asshole cats. Not only will you say goodbye to everyone you ever loved who is allergic to them (which is everyone to some degree), you’ll watch yourself slowly bend to the will of these satanic dwellers who will take your man’s-best-friend approach to life and turn it into a knotted ball of constant misery and reproach. Any cat owner knows once you let them in, you’ll be at peace again.
Now come along and witness the slow mental breakdown of a dog lover who lives with his first cat and learns a whole lot about misery.
Dog Lover Lives With His First Cat and Learns A Lot About Misery
But maybe you actually prefer cats over dogs: 10 Reasons Buying A Dog Is A Bad Idea
Fuck Cats
-
Constantly Plotting Your Demise
While you may be relaxed in your living room without a care in the world, your cat may be very well deep into plans on devising your demise. Just glance over, and you may see the wheels turning, or even just sharpening its nails.
-
Killing Other Pets Every Chance They Get
You may think your cat gets along with other animals, but every time you turn your back, there's a decent chance attempted murder is going on in the background. Don't be surprised to come home to the walls painted in blood of unsuspecting pets.
-
Scaring the Fuck Out of You at Every Turn
You'll never be totally at peace in your own home. Either your guard is constantly up waiting for the next assault, or you walk around carefree just long enough to have the actual shit scared out of you. No corner is safe. No crevice is alright to stick your hand in.
-
Ruining Your Furniture Day After Day
Oh, you bought a new couch? Well, enjoy it while you can, because that little fucker will claw it to shreds every time you leave the room. Sometimes it'll walk up, stare you in the eye and give it one long, slow claw just to remind you to fuck off. Put a scratch post next to it? That will work until you leave the room. Nothing will ever be truly yours again.
-
Hiding Just Well Enough You Continually Worry They Ran Away
There is a constant pit in your stomach (probably a tumor) from worrying if your cat is lost and dead somewhere. You start to make peace with the idea of it being gone, realizing having a cat was a terrible idea in the first place. That's when the cat reappears to fuck your life all over again.
-
Turning Your Bathroom into a Giant Litter Box
No more long, enjoyed bouts on the porcelain throne. You used to read the news and scroll the social media for hours on end from the comfort of your bathroom. Now it smells like cat shit, the floor is lined with litter stuck to your feet and the cat then jumps out of its igloo to scare what little shit you have left out. Goddamn, you didn't ask for this life.
-
Showing Up in Dark Places Where You Stick Your Head
It's late, and you just want to plug your phone in for the night for a quick recharge, but the cord has fallen between the nightstand and your bed. You can't see, so you stick your head in deep to find it. Low and behold, there just happens to be the tiniest crevice in the entire house, the same crevice your cat discovered today, and in its crystal ball madness, it waits for you to charge your phone, then claw out your eyes before bed.
-
Providing Unintended Humor
Any happiness your cat brings you is likely unintentional. Throw a slab of meat at it and watch it fall over? Yeah, that wasn't a trick. It's using that as another excuse to end your happy existence. You think its cuddling next to you is a sign of affection? It's simply a way to let you think you can trust it, let your guard down just low enough it can scratch your organs from your body while you sleep, should you cover the new couch in blankets to keep it from its evening fun.
-
Using Your Arm As a Scratching Post
How many times have you gone to pet your dog and come back with bloody. itchy scratches? Probably none, since dogs are loving, affectionate creatures. Even the abused, psychotic rescues will warm up to you (probably more than any dog), yet the cat you think loves you slowly is removing your flesh from your body on a daily basis. Anyone else find that strange?
-
Giving Zero Affection & Even Fewer Fucks
If you get a cat thinking it's going to shower you with love, you've got another thing coming. The only thing more harrowing than going from being a dog owner to a cat owner is knowing that your president is a white supremacist reality show host with tiny hands and an inflated ego with controls to nuclear war.
-
Turning Your Favorite Thing into Their Favorite Thing
You love your recliner? Well, not it's the cat's recliner. You love your man cave? Well, now it's a cat cave. You love your wife? Now it's your cat's wife.
-
Ruining Every Goddamn Holiday
Every. Goddamn. Christmas. Don't bother putting up the lights this year because we both know this is going to happen.
