Photo: Lighthaunter (Getty Images)
We know that nobody wants to be having terrible sex of any kind. Believe us, we know a few things about bad sex. But beyond that, there’s a whole realm of horrific sex you never want to be having that could easily supersede the unforgivable, limp-dick moments of the past.
Whether you struggle with near-impossible sex positions or just the easy ones, these kinds of coitus will leave you breathless, but not in the way you might like. From Third-Wheel Uber Sex to Shameful Crying Sex, there are more than enough ways to a night of unfortunate intercourse.
Don’t believe us? Well, you are in for a real treat (which is something you might hear during Clown Sex). Not since the night that you gave your broken flower to another miserable soul have you experienced what you’re about to experience. But don’t worry, we included Virgin Sex, too.
Have a gander at 12 kinds of bad sex you never want to be having in this life, both a forewarning and possible foreshadowing. If you can think of kinds of sex worse than these, be sure to let us know. And we apologize in advance if all this bad sex hits a little too close to home.
Bad Sex
-
Shameful Crying Sex
You couldn't help letting out all that bottled up insecurity. Now you have to face yourself every day after showing her your cry-face, the most embarrassing of O-faces.
-
Third Wheel Uber Sex
You thought a ride share would save you money. It did, but it cost you so much more later.
-
Big Guy, Little Woman, Tiny Tub Sex
Any combination of large bodies, mismatched heights and tiny showers are a recipe for thrown-out backs and limp failures.
-
This Plane Is Going Down Sex
We love Almost Famous, but we don't want to be a party to any 'plane going down, let's do all the things we never did' moment.
-
Not-So-Deserted Island Sex
You thought it'd be like a sexy scene out of Lost, but it was like speed dating mixed with dry humping and lots of laughing cameramen.
-
Anything Clown Sex
Porn sites might have maximized the potential of an It reboot, but we can't afford the repercussions of such sexual experimentation.
-
Defective Sex Doll Sex
Like the first Apple Watch, it's always smart to wait until they work out all the bugs.
-
Creepy Scientologist John Travolta Sex
Creepy sex is bad enough without the help of a scientologist, especially if that scientologist happens to be John Travolta.
-
Phyllis Vance Sex
If you watched The Office, you know about the awkward sex jokes we're referring to.
-
Virgin Sex
It's good to not be anybody's first. And if it's your first time, lie better than you've ever lied in your life.
-
Captain Winky Sex
We didn't understand this scene when the movie came out, but now we're old enough to know that most men don't want to have this. But some do. Which is fine. A person's sexual preference is nobody's business but their own.
-
Incestuous Mr. President Sex
Nothing trumps Investuous Mr. President Sex.
