Hidden Valley's New Ranch Flavors Are Insane

Photo: Burke/Triolo Productions (Getty Images)

It’s official, the apocalypse is finally upon us. Humanity can’t go on much longer like this. To quote the movie Ghostbusters: “Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes. The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs, and cats living together – mass hysteria.” This is all because Hidden Valley just launched Ranched-Dipped Pizza-flavored ranch dipping sauce.

Take a few moments to unpack that sentence. Did you figure out what we’re talking about? If you didn’t, imagine dipping a slice of pizza into ranch dressing. That’s the flavor. Now imagine dipping food (including, but not limited to, pizza) into that flavor of sauce. But, wait! There’s more! On top of the Ranch-Dipped Pizza flavor, Hidden Valley is also launching a Bold Buffalo flavor and a Zestier Ranch (as if ranch wasn’t zesty enough.) Our collective brains feel like they’re going to explode, but we still want to taste it.

In the world of pizza (and chicken wing) dipping, there’s always been a battle between two rival forces. On one side stood the ranch dressing fanatics. On the other side was the blue cheese legion. The two sides battled for years (and still do). But, this new maniacally confusing dipping sauce threatens to throw the whole system, and therefore the world, out of whack.

What’s next, a third political party that could actually steal an election from the Democrats and Republicans? It might as well be called the Ranch Dressing Party because the world doesn’t make sense anymore.