So you had yourself a one-night stand and now it’s the morning after. You’re feeling deliciously spent and satisfied…and you really wish the person sharing your bed would leave. How do you encourage them to GTFO? We have a few ideas that range from kind to crazy. How extreme you have to be in your eviction notice is up to you. Next time, considering smashing at their place so you can decide when the post-coital awkwardness ends. Good luck, you sexual disruptor.
Cover Photo: Zero Creatives (Getty Images)
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One Night Stand GTFO
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Go out to eat.
If you can't get your one-night stand to leave on their own, you'll have to accompany them -- by offering to buy them a meal. This is the nicest, but most time-consuming, way to free yourself from a one-night stand. If you don't want to bother, we don't blame you. But whatever you do, don't order in or you'll be stuck together, potentially forever.
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Collect their clothes.
No one's leaving naked, so the sooner you gather your one-night stand's clothing, the better. It's an obvious nudge towards the door, but a necessary one.
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Don't hide your hangover.
Start popping the aspirin and complaining about your headache. If your one-night stand doesn't take the hint, you're going to have to vomit, repeatedly and audibly. Make sure you leave the bathroom door open.
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Fart.
Start crop dusting and let your one-night stand's nose do the work for you.
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Text for help.
Sneak off to the bathroom with your phone and beg you buddy to call you in five minutes with an emergency. It's dishonest, but hey, women do this all the time on bad dates. You're just stealing strategy from their playbook.
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Plant a bug.
Nothing scares someone away like a creepy crawler with more legs than you can count. Plant the insects (the bed is best) and wait for your one-night stand to hit the ground running.
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Kill a mouse.
You don't actually have to invite a mouse into your space just to scare your one-night stand. All you have to do is fake the mouse's death. Make a racket, whack the floor with a broom, and put something mouse-sized in a dark plastic bag. Trust us, they'll flee.
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Unleash the hounds.
You were polite enough to lock the dog up in its kennel or the spare bedroom while you two were doing the deed. Now all bets are off. Unleash the hound(s) and the let face-licking, leg-humping cringe fest ensue. Within minutes, your one-night stand will be begging you to grab the dog so they can leave.
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Ask if they'll help you insert your suppository.
After your post-sex shower, linger in the bathroom until your one-night stand steps out, then yell this intimate request down the hall. Just the word "suppository" will spur them to spew a a slew of excuses as to why they have to hit the road immediately.
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Put on some porn.
This confusing move will have your one-night stand wondering if they failed to please you or if you’re a sex addict. Either way, they'll be uncomfortable and excuse themselves. That is, of course, unless it backfires, and they turn out to be people-pleasers and/or sex addicts who also love porn.
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Tell them your spouse will be home any minute.
The revelation that you have a (fake) spouse will not only guarantee they'll get gone fast but that they'll never come back. Warning: if you're a dude, you might get slapped. This is a dangerous move, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
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Order an Uber for them.
Don't announce it; just do it. Then let them know their Uber has arrived at the appropriate time. Just make sure your one-night stand isn't your local Uber driver or you'll have to improvise a backup plan.
