Is there a way to go back to just being friends once you’ve crossed the sacred line into coupledom? The answer: absolutely. In fact, there are eight ways. But the real secret to a successful downgrade is letting the other person think it’s their decision when you guys double back to the safety of the friend zone. It’s not as hard as it sounds. After all, it’s only a matter of time before everything falls apart anyway. If you’re an awesome person whose lover simply loses interest while the ship is sinking, your soon-to-be-ex will have no choice but to at least be friends with you (on paper) afterward. Sounds airtight. What could go wrong?
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Just friends
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Develop a hideous laugh.
Laughter is the music of the soul. And when your song sounds like a hideous cackle, they're going to want to change the playlist.
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Take a job as a fishmonger.
Smells hit biological hotspots in ways we can't even comprehend. If you start smelling like dead fish 24/7, we guarantee they're going to pump the brakes on you.
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Get a really bad haircut.
When Keri Russell cut her hair after the first season of Felicity, the world broke up with her. Use classic Gen X television to help guide you in your journey back to the friend zone.
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Become uncomfortable to be around.
If they can't imagine spending one more second with you, they'll probably find a way to weasel out of the relationship within the next six months or so.
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Suggest a threesome with you and your imaginary friend.
Actually, this may totally backfire. But if they happen to be into the idea, you may not want to break up after all.
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Start picking your nose in public.
Get ready to be benched faster than a 49ers quarterback. There will definitely be some social blowback as word of your unscrupulous picking gets around, but the leprosy treatment will wear off by summer.
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Stop leaving the house.
This one's a real commitment, but if you're desperate and willing, after a year or so of peeing in bottles every day and letting your nails grow into human licorice whips, you'll probably find yourself single again. Next time you leave the house, that is.
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Master the art of impotence.
Unless you've been together for 40 years, this ought to work like a charm.
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Wear a MAGA hat.
Honestly, they might not even be friends with you after this. But if you renounce your sudden transformation six weeks after they move out, they'll have no choice but to re-friend you out of fear of being thought a hypocrite.
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Just be honest.
If all else fails, just tell your partner that it's over, but you want to stay friends. That always works.
