Not everything gets better with age. This is especially true of drinking holidays, like St. Patrick’s Day. March 17 is often considered amateur night, and as you get older, you might feel like you don’t fit in with the young crowd that can down green beer after green beer. If you happened to get suckered into attending a St. Paddy’s Day parade, pub crawl, or party, you need to be prepared. (Spontaneity is not a thing in your 30s.) This honest timeline will give you a glimpse into what to expect during the most raucous booze fest of the year.
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Honest Timeline St Patricks Day
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5 PM
You're leaving work when you run into a pair of your coworkers in the parking lot. They're dressed in their St. Patrick's Day finery. They ask what you're doing tonight and you say, "Nothing." They gasp. "I'm too old for partying," you explain. But they refuse to let you go home and insist that, at the very least, you accompany them to the local St. Patrick's Day parade.
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5:30 PM
As you wait for the parade to start, you meet an attractive damsel in distress. She says her name is "Lucky Charm." Despite the Irish moniker, doesn't have the proper apparel for the St. Patrick's Day parade. You and your coworkers swoop in to help.
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6 PM
You never thought you'd spend money on stupid stuff like shamrock glasses, a green top hat, and an emerald bow tie, but here you are at the dollar store loading up. You and Lucky Charm now have matching outfits and are ready for the parade.
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8 PM
You were planning to go home after the parade, but a few of your buddies texted you and demanded that you join them at a nearby pub. You agree, only because it gives you an excuse to spend some more time with Lucky Charm, who you drag along to the bar with you.
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9 PM
Lucky Charm is quite the drinker, but maybe that's just because she's on your tab? She's had so much green beer and whiskey that the smell of alcohol is wafting off of her. She's really letting loose now, and you kind of like her like this, with no inhibitions. Though you don't really drink anymore, you figure you should start trying to keep up, if only for appearance's sake.
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10 PM
Somehow you end up holding the barf bucket, and Lucky Charm is your No. 1 customer. The blush is definitely off the rose. You're beginning to wish you had stayed home tonight and binge-watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia instead. At least those drunks are funny.
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11 PM
The green beers are kicking in, and you're having fun again. Life is good. You love everyone! Why did you think St. Patrick's Day sucked? This is awesome!
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Midnight
Have you had too much to drink or did you just see a real-life leprechaun? Yes.
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1 AM
You just puked all over your "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" T-shirt, right as Lucky Charm was going in for a kiss. Since when can't you hold your liquor? (Since you turned 30, that's when.)
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6 AM
You wake up next to a dumpster behind the pub. You have no idea how you got there or what happened leading up to this, but you're damn sure you can't party like this ever again. It's official: you're old. So much for the luck of the Irish.
