‘Nutrient Squares’ Are the Latest Disgusting Food Fad (And Twitter Can’t Stomach It)

Today in “food revolutions nobody asked for,” we present SquarEat, a new Miami-based company specializing in four-sided eats. SquarEat is described as a “gourmet, innovative 50g square that provides all the nutrients without any additives.” It uses “low-temperature cooking” and “thermal shocking” to transform protein like chicken and beef or vegetables like broccoli, asparagus, and zucchini into pre-cooked patties. (Pause for shudder at the thought of eating anything in “patty” form other than hamburgers.)

The high-protein patties are delivered to your door and stay fresh for two weeks. You can consume them cold (if you really hate yourself) or you simply sauté them in oil, air-fry them, or microwave them. They come in meal packs of four or six squares. (Though the thought of swallowing just one of them makes us want to hurl.)

“Thanks to the square shape, we are able to run mass production using gourmet techniques … Allowing us to produce a superior-quality food and sell it at an affordable price,” Maria Laura Vacaflores, SquarEat’s chief marketing officer, told Today Food. “We are not the first food concept that adopted the square shape, if you, for example, think about tofu. The only thing we are asking people to leave behind is their original idea about the external appearance of the food.”

Oh, is that all? Just ignore what our food looks like? No problem. It’s not like our sense of sight has anything to do with our enjoyment of food. (*vomits in mouth*)

This new food development has Twitter all, well, atwitter.

nah theyre fucking w us pic.twitter.com/QAA7WrxAi1

— alth0u (@alth0u) August 24, 2021

wow if i really stare at the grill marks as i eat this it almost feels like i’m there, in the Before Times pic.twitter.com/KTlgRjw3je

— alth0u (@alth0u) August 24, 2021

The future is here and it’s actually worse than it looked 55 years ago. pic.twitter.com/sKVCCUxMR6

— Angry Exile (@AngryExile) August 24, 2021

Couldn’t make it any other shape huh pic.twitter.com/5UtX9NdoWR

— Henry Thomas (@zhejiang0pterus) August 24, 2021

i will not eat the squares pic.twitter.com/BwMFH9ExEv

— shoe (@shoe0nhead) August 24, 2021

Wtf they just recolored the squares pic.twitter.com/9mSfl3tDuM

— Me convierto en Marxiano (@jota_eIe) August 24, 2021

“We know not everyone is going to love us, we’re going to have haters, but a lot of people don’t understand the concept and they judge you before even trying it,” Vacaflores lamented to Today. “Once you try it, if you say you don’t like it, I respect that, because you’re trying it, but people think because of the shape or the look that it’s something not normal. I don’t know why they keep comparing it to ‘Soylent Green.’ It’s a crazy thing.”

Maybe there’s someone out there for whom this kind of food product makes sense – oh, wait, we found the only person excited about SquarEats:

just found out about squareat and if i don’t try one of these little minecraft meals i will die pic.twitter.com/WWVMnIRtsa

— sen (@sen_ebooks) August 25, 2021

We, however, won’t be trying it anytime soon.

Cover Photo: SquarEat

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