Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Me: My cat is vibrating and making a buzzing noise. Is she full of bees? Vet: …shes purring? Me: Oh …you still wanna check for bees or..
— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) July 15, 2015
Assert dominance over local dads by raking their leaves.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) October 30, 2015
“They’ve done it! I can’t tell which is the android and which is real!” Sir they’re both fake pirates. Please get back inside the ride.
— Eat Wood (@therealeatwood) October 24, 2015
sounds like a seal wrote this headline pic.twitter.com/MVg88mTV7e
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 27, 2015
People always ask why no one immediately moves out of a haunted house but it’s like UGH moving suuuuuucks
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) October 26, 2015
Parenting is like being a juggler except all the balls are screaming.
— Very Scary Reindeer (@KalvinMacleod) September 11, 2015
[after 20 minutes of awkward silence in the sauna] “This isn’t the bathroom is it”
— jazmasta (@jazmasta) October 27, 2015
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) October 18, 2015
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called DARTH VADER: the death— [inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard] DARTH VADER: uh the health star
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015
My son asked me what it’s like to be a dad, so I carelessly broke my phone screen and made him pay for a new one.
— Inappropumpkin Charm (@LackOfShame) October 21, 2015
This Twitter “conversation” from last night does not cease to amuse me. pic.twitter.com/RpZpCdddFl
— Joon Lee (@iamjoonlee) October 30, 2015
Tonight I’m celebrating my anniversary of not drunk texting my ex for three weeks by texting him a paragraph about how well I’m doing
— Ashley Skidmore (@Shhhhhhley) October 23, 2015
Dance Dance Revolution is an intense game but an even more intense to-do list
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) October 26, 2015
liiiiiiiiike pic.twitter.com/UxgpW1WXcM
— allie nicole smith (@alliewach) October 24, 2015
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
— non human paul (@Death_Buddy) December 24, 2014
picture a potato but sexy lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
— ghost mom (@radtoria) May 12, 2014
“How do you find anything in here?!” -my mugger, giving my purse back
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) October 21, 2015
lotta ways to show somebody you love them but letting them tell a story without saying ‘you already told me this’ has to be up there
— didi (@priya_ebooks) August 27, 2014
Yall… somebody came thru the body scanner and wouldn’t raise her arms all the way…. she was hiding a McGriddle in her armpit.
— Wrap Queen (@missleighcarter) October 9, 2015
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
— treasure (@imteddybless) March 11, 2014
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
