Anyone who has tried Tinder remembers the day it came into their lives. (It was, coincidentally, the last time you felt sane or rested.) Going on your first swipe-right date can be a bit nerve-racking, but you’ll put on your big boy pants and go out into the world, full of anxiety, only to regret leaving your Netflix queue. Like all things involving human interaction, it won’t go even remotely as planned, but at least you have this hilarious honest timeline to look back on and laugh at when you’re old and lonely, after eventually throwing your phone in the ocean.
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Who popped your Tinder cherry? Was the experience that bad? Let us know in the comments?
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First Tinder Date
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Swiping Begins
You chill out on the couch and smoke a joint. You prepare to swipe endlessly on Tinder when your phone dings. You have a match...and they're actually cute? You wonder how you should start the conversation. Do you bring up how adorable they are or appeal to their intellectual side?
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1 Minute After Swiping Right
It doesn't matter because they message you, "Hey, cutie." Game on. You respond in kind and have a quick back and forth before they ask what you're doing later, which of course leads to making plans to meet at your local watering hole.
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30 Minutes After Swiping Right
On your walk to the bar you begin to wonder if this was a bad idea. What if they look nothing like their profile and you're stuck talking to them?! You decide you can just leave after finishing your drink. Now you're all skeezed out and getting cold feet. But you arrive at the bar and decide to test fate by going inside.
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35 Minutes After Swiping Right
You wander around, but don't spot them, which is oddly a relief. You decide to grab a drink anyways. You tell yourself you'll wait 10 minutes. Then if they don't show you can also ghost them. As the bartender slides your drink across the bar, someone taps you on the shoulder. You turn around and are not disappointed.
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45 Minutes After Swiping Right
They sit down next and ask if you want to do shots. Fuck yes. Then you do another, because why not? After this, you're honestly not sure why you haven't gone on a Tinder date before. Tinder is great. You love Tinder.
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1 1/2 Hours After Swiping Right
You've picked $20 dollars worth of songs on the jukebox together. Instinctually, they pick Roxette's "Must Have Been Love," which is secretly one of your guilty pleasure songs. Is this love? You take a sip of your drink and lean up against them. They order another round of shots.
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2 Hours After Swiping Right
The third round of shots does not settle well with them. What was fun is now...a nightmare? They're slurring and possibly annoyed with you? You're also a bit buzzed at this point and can't tell if that's the problem. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.
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2 Hours and 2 Minutes After Swiping Right
On your way back, you realize they're on Tinder! Swiping! To meet other people! What fresh hell is this? You stand behind them for a second stewing.
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2 Hours, 2 Minutes, and 5 Seconds After Swiping Right
You realize that you never put a card down and could turn around and leave -- which you do, while unmatching them on Tinder and disappearing into the night.
