Meanwhile in Chicago: Airline Passenger Successfully Hacks Fastest Plane Exit of All Time, Then Arrested Places to go, people to see!
Urine Apparently Excellent Fertilizer, Crap For Compost Could Mean It’s Time to Move Toilet Back Outside This fertilizer takes the piss.
Scientists Build New VR Tech to Simulate Kissing, Expect World Peace Once Blowjob Feature Complete There's nothing sexier than world peace.
Cell Phones May Cause Early Alzheimer’s, Perfect Excuse For Why We ‘Forgot’ to Call You Back When life gives you Alzheimer's, make lemonade.
Meanwhile in LA: Strippers Form First Exotic Dancers Union, Sexiest Picket Line Ever There's a first time for everything, even stripper unions.
Watch Trumper Couple Get Kicked Off Flight For Offensive Tirade (Clearly Made For Each Other) The couple that rants together, stays together.
Biden Administration Left With Last Resort Deploying Secret Weapon Amber Turd to Handle Putin Invasion All's fair in love and war.
Meanwhile in Connecticut: Terrified Bear Stuck in Car (Now You Know How We Feel Every Day, Buddy) This is one kind of carjacker you never want to confront.